I finally started my New Year's diet a couple of weeks ago.
Like 90% of people who make New Years resolutions, I resolved to get healthy and loose weight. And, like 99% if people who make New Years resolutions, it lasted all of about a week.
But a few weeks ago, I'd just had enough. I weighed more than I did when I got pregnant with Elwood in 2005, which had previously been my highest weight. And I couldn't blame in on the kids - I lost all of my pregnancy weight, plus an additional 10 lbs. after Elwood and lost all but 5 lbs. after Finn. This wasn't baby weight - this was me. All me.
I've always eaten what I wanted when I wanted. And I have come to love to cook. I love food - it is comfort and memory and art and skill. It is the way I show love and appreciation. It is the way I deal with stress and grief. It is how I reward myself and my family and how I apologize when I feel I've been treating them badly. Happy or sad - I turn to food.
Even in my late 20's, when metabolism slowed down and I could see how things I ate were changing my body, it didn't change anything. I tried Weight Watchers a couple of times and it would work until I tried to do it on my own or something would trigger my eating and then the pounds just came back on.
After I stopped working in politics, the weight really went on. And before I thought I needed to do something about it, Elwood came along. And nursing was the best form of weight loss I had ever seen.
A year later, I got pregnant with Finn and went thru the cycle again. And I lost almost all the baby weight again. I started to fit into my pre-Elwood clothes. But that didn't last.
So I justified it. I was Mommy - it didn't matter if I was fat. As long as I was taking care of them, whatever else I did was okay. There would be time later to fix this.
But at 193 lbs (yes, I know that I just admitted that - sucks to see it here, but it's the truth), I wasn't being the best Mommy or wife or person I could be. I was tired and lethargic. I hate my body and wanted to keep in wrapped up in flannel pjs all the time - and I mean all the time. Even my old fat clothes didn't fit - thank God my Auntie DiDi worked at a Lane Bryant so at least I could wear things that didn't make me look as awful as I felt.
So, a couple of weeks ago, I hit my limit. I don't want to be skinny. I don't want to be the weight all the charts say I should be - I don't think it's right for my body type anyways. So far, I'm lucky that there aren't any health consequences for my lack of attention to diet and exercise. But I'm sure that would have been in my near future.
I'm doing old fashioned calorie counting and exercise. I don't feel deprived - I can eat what I want, but I'm more conscious of the serving sizes and preparation. And there have been a couple of days where I went over my target, but there have been days I was under my target too, so I figure it all will even out in the end.
And the exercise - that's the big surprise. I hate to exercise. I've had gym memberships that were just a huge waste of money. I avoid going to the park specifically to walk - I make sure there's a sizable break where the kids play. The treadmill my husband got me years ago hadn't been used by me for years. But now - I LOVE IT! I don't know if it's that my body had been craving the activity or that I get a guaranteed 30 minutes to myself almost every night, but it's been fabulous. I look forward to it. I am starting to insist that it's part of the schedule.
(And my husband is all for this by the way - he tells me that he loves me and that I'm beautiful when I'm fat and when I'm not, but I know he's happy about this change in my attitude.)
So, as of week two, I'm down almost 6 lbs. And I've got my first goal in sight - that black pencil skirt I got for Christmas. It will go great with the fabulous shoes my Mom just bought me - I see a Mad Men-esque Easter outfit in my future.
I also see a summer where I won't want to change out of my bathing suit immediately after getting out of the pool. I see walking in the park to walk and if it's not to walk, I see a session on the treadmill later that night. I see teaching my children good habits now rather than have them learn later because I get sick. I see pulling some of those old lacy things out of the back of my pajama drawer (and that's all I'm going to say ;-) .)
I see the me that I not only want to be but need to be.
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