The Other Shoe?

Elwood spoiled me.

Other than a few issues at birth, he was a happy, healthy baby boy, who grew into a happy, healthy, sassy toddler. He hit all of his milestones early - walked at 9 months, talked at 10 months, and making full sentences by the time he was 13 months old. Other than well baby visits, we made two sick visits to the doctor and one emergency room visit by the time he was two. There were no worries about his health or development.

I always said to my husband and family, "I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop."

I think Finn may be "the other shoe."

Despite a trouble free pregnancy and easy delivery, Finn started having issues at about 4 months.

Well, 3 months if I had listened to my husband. He noted that Finn's head always lolled to one side and that he never held it straight. I waved it off for a month saying he was a newborn, he didn't have good muscle control. But then others noticed it too - so I finally asked the doctor.

Finn was diagnosed with torticolis the same appointment he was diagnosed with his first ear infection. Torticolis meant that the muscles on one side of his neck were tight while the other side was loose. It was probably from his position in the womb. Luckily, we were able to correct it with 6 months of physical therapy.

But the ear infections, they kept coming. One about every 3 or 4 months. Some worse than others. He had been on antibiotics more times in the first year of his life than Elwood has been in his entire life.

He is tiny. He eats - there are days he eats more than Elwood. And I save the low calorie, low fat stuff for me. They get whole milk, butter, real yogurt - all the stuff to help fatten them up (with the doctor's okay). He has cousins that are a year or more younger than him that weigh as much as he does. His jeans fall off and when he sucks in his gut, you can see his ribs.

But all of that was okay. Now, we're facing an issue that scares me so much - it's an irrational fear that I can't control.

Finn is speech delayed and we don't quite know why. His understanding is normal, but his speech is delayed by about a year. And his pronunciation of the words he does say on a regular basis isn't the best.

We've got him in speech therapy and we're learning what to do to help him. One thing we needed to find out was if his hearing was okay after all those ear infections. We did his hearing evaluation this morning and it didn't go well. Turned out that Finn has a double ear infection which could have skewed the results, but what testing they could get done on my cranky boy showed that he is outside of the normal range. Words like "permanent hearing loss" were uttered in the same sentence with my baby's name.

It struck me deep inside with a visceral reaction. I've been a wreck all day. I didn't turn to food, but I reverted to the compulsive shopping that I do just to feel like I'm doing something. It's a habit that has caused me much trouble in my life and I have been in control of it for the past 6 months now. But today triggered it. Luckily, it was just a trip to Toys R Us, a sweater for me to wear on Easter, and take out for dinner. I scared my husband because I called him laughing and crying at the same time when I discovered that I had been wearing my shirt inside out all afternoon.

My rational self is starting to take over now. My husband said this morning that if he had an ear infection we should not do the evaluation (yes, I admitted that he was right twice in this post). My parents and other family and friends have all responded with supportive and encouraging words. I can see thru the fog of mother's guilt and fear to see that 1.) We are probably going to get a much better result when we retest in 2 weeks, 2.) Even if it is not better, the loss is minimal and my son can hear, just not at lower volumes, and 3.) In the grand scheme of things, this is a minimal obstacle to overcome.

So, if this is the other shoe, I'll face it. At least it only looks like it's a canvas sneaker and not a steel-toed work boot.