For Carrie...

On my 42nd birthday (an incredibly important one for any sci fi geek), I vowed to begin blogging again.  Not for anyone but myself.  I even wrote two blog posts but they never made it past the first draft.  I decided they weren't important.

And then last week, as I was in the car on the way to the cemetery to bury my father's wife, the word came that she was gone.  Carrie Fisher, my idol and hero for as long as I could remember, had passed away.  Suddenly, there was a tear in the fabric of my childhood that could never be mended.

Everyone who knows me knows of my deep an abiding love of all things Star Wars.  I wear it on my sleeve like my Irish/Italian heritage.  It is part of who I am.

What many don't know is what Carrie Fisher, the writer and the person, meant to me.

I vividly remember reading her first three fiction books.  I remember where I was and what was going on in my life when I read them.  She was bitingly funny and brutally honest.  When she moved on to nonfiction, she bravely laid bare EVERYTHING, using her writing as therapy to exercise whatever demons were lingering within her.  She wrote for herself - it was a plus that so many loved it.

She was a woman and a daughter and a mother - three things I am and could, in a small way, connect with her on.  She was also a writer and an actress - two things I have always wanted to be.  Most importantly, she was fearless - something I aspire to be.  She never shied away from discussing her mental illness.  It was part of who she was.  Her trials in life were far beyond anything I have ever faced, but her willingness to be completely open truly inspired me.

So, as I sit here on the first day of a year that so many I loved and admired did not live to see, I write. I write for me.  I write to sort out my feelings.  I write to preserve the moment.  I write to let it go and to keep it near.

2016 felt defeating at times.  Family deaths, personal trials, political insanity, Bowie returning to his home planet, Prince fading into a purple mist, and so much more piled on and on until yesterday.

I know that today is simply symbolic.  Bad things and sad things and insane things will continue to happen.  Nothing is truly different from yesterday.  But the idea that I have a new chance to right last years wrongs and fix what needs to be fixed is sorely needed this year.

So this year, I will write.  I will find my exercise and diet motivation again.  I will work to be more patient with my husband and children.  I have a couple of other resolutions that for now I will keep to myself.

But mostly,  I will have hope for better days and I will try to be fearless.

Like Carrie.

Sean Lennon posted this picture that he took of Carrie and her beloved dog at Rufus Wainwright's wedding.
 If that's not the coolest sentence ever typed, I don't know what is.